Saturday, October 15, 2011

Being a Parent

     I wonder many times why I never had children.  If I delve deep enough, I produce five or six potential reasons.  Being single isn't an excuse these days.  Now that the fertility bus has left the station, it seems like a moot point.
     But there are times like this past weekend that show me I could have been a parent.  I possess the number one attribute required for any parent - worry.
     Kevin is my pseudo-child.  I feel responsible for his well-being and happiness.  I call him everyday, because no day seems complete without saying "I love you, O'Connor-Boy."  But I also want to gauge his contentment (i.e. - how well I'm doing my job), by the only barometer I have - the timbre of his voice.  High-pitched and elongated words are good.  Quiet, low-pitched and staccato are red flags.
     When Kevin's group home called me last week to report his misbehaving/aggression, I asked to speak to him.  A barely audible "hi" greeted me.  I did my best to reinforce that good behavior yields rewards.  Once I used the magic phrase "going out to dinner," he perked up to his usual self.
     But I worry.  Kevin never has issues during the week at his group home, only on the weekends.  It is a combination of frequent staff turnover and a low activity level compared to weekdays.  If I spent all day watching TV, I think I'd go a little nuts too.  So I need to step in, be the guardian, be the parent.  I suggest ways to coax Kevin to good behavior and activities that he can do on the weekends.  He likes to hear that he's a gentleman.  He responds to rewards.  Scolding has never worked.  It's hard to get a 160 pound man into a timeout if he doesn't want to go.  I've tried. 
     And still I worry.  Am I doing enough?  What if his behavior continues, escalates?  When will the next phone call come?  What if they kick him out of the house?  I try to keep myself grounded in reality, to trust that I'm doing everything I can, but I want Kevin to happy 100% of the time.
     So I really am a parent after all.

5 comments:

  1. Pat,

    You are one of the most grounded people I know. Kevin can't be happy 100% of the time; that's unrealistic. He can, however, know he's loved 100% of the time. That you can trust!

    You are the one that provides that loved sense to him, 100% of the time. Always.

    Tina

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  2. Pat:
    Wonderful post. I too have not had children but like my dear friend Courtney always says you do not have to birth a child to be a parent. Rest assured you are a parent to Kevin. Not only are you a Blessing to him - he is a Blessing to you! Keep on writing...

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  3. Hi Pat,

    You don't know me, but my mom is Lisa Calderone who graduated with you at Fairfield University's MFA program. She directed me to read this blog since I currently work at a group home, and absolutely love what I do! Your blog so far is very touching, I don't know you or Kevin but I already feel connected through the blog. AND I studied abroad in Florence, Italy and absolutely love Italy (and can speak Italian!). During my spring break I took a trip to Sorrento, and the Almafi coast. You're right - Napoli is full of garbage, but Positano is one of the most beautiful places. I could never imagine driving along that coast, it must have been so nerve-wracking, especially on no sleep. Anyway, I am incredibly interested to learn and hear more about you and Kevin - would love to read your memoir if possible (my mom won't let me read hers!) Kevin is so lucky to have such a loving sister in his life. Best of luck to you both.

    Sincerely,
    Jessica Roberts

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  4. Thanks Val and Jessica! Jessica, I loved going to school with your Mom - she's a wonderful lady. And to you, it takes a special person to work with the disabled. I'm so glad you love what you do. I know from my experiences with the guys from Kevin's house that it can be challenging, but oh so rewarding too. Thanks again!

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